I've Been Thinking...

It's Sunday afternoon. I'm sitting in a Starbucks.

Old music croons in the background.

At a nearby table, ladies gossip about something I don't care to eavesdrop on.

Baristas bounce around beyond the counter top; the one I had a huge crush on no longer bothers to show up. She had a boyfriend, anyway, so why do I still care?

The water I ordered is sweating onto the table; I've already had far too much caffeine for, well, probably the week.

You see, I spent all morning at school, and I reward myself for working on the weekend by going to Panera Bread, ordering something delicious and expensive with an enormous four-dollar coffee-with-a-splash-of-cream. Somehow, two more coffees-with-a-splash-of-cream made their way to me; I drank them.

Coffee is not something my mental or physical state can currently handle. So, the water continues to sweat beside me on the table.

Sweaty water aside, I'm distracted.

Distracted by my To-Do List which--even after two days of work this weekend--never really gets any smaller.

Distracted by the list of emails siting in my inbox.

Distracted by the absence of above-mentioned barista. (Damn, I really have to let that go...)

Distracted by the lessons I have yet to finish preparing.

Distracted by my more-jittery-than-usual hands trying to push down keys.

Distracted by the geography homework the student I tutor is trying to finish.

Distracted by the exhausting grading I just finished.

Distracted by my inadequacies.

Lately, I find myself wanting to change.

Not personally. That's another door we don't want to open right now.

I guess a better phrasing is: I find myself wanting to create change.

Finishing graduate school and being the most involved in my own school that I've ever been has created this drive in me--this larger purpose--that makes me want to change how things are going and to make things better because I can see the cracks forming more clearly than ever.

When I can't make these changes happen, I feel defeated.

When my school attempts to make changes and nothing happens, I feel defeated.

When I walk into my classroom with a new idea that doesn't go the way I want it to, I feel defeated.

When I work arguably harder or more than others without any sense of recognition, I feel defeated.

Teaching seems to be the only career in which you can work harder and beyond what is required without any sense of accomplishment.

There's always something more.

There's always something better.

Of course, a teacher's job is filled with purpose; we enlighten the children of today with knowledge, trust, and a place to be safe.

And that will forever be enough.

Isn't that the problem, though?

I ran across a post on my Instagram the other day: "What's something you wish people knew about teaching or about you as a teacher?"

I've been thinking... What do I wish people knew about me as a teacher?

Here's a list, I guess, or something--a rant, an attempt at inspiration, a dash towards change, a refusal to be forgotten, a struggle to work even harder, a ________ to ___________.

I wish people knew that the countless children that seem to love me as a teacher does not change the perception that I feel as though I am terrible at my job.

I wish people knew how much I needed the recognition of my work. I thrive off of getting the biggest, goldest stars.

I wish people knew how much I care about these kids and how much they matter and what lengths to which I would go for them and how much it hurts when those same kids I lose sleep over go to other teachers. Teacher jealousy exists very, very prevalently in me.

I wish people knew how many things I do that I am not compensated for: coaching, working weekends, buying food for students, giving up any semblance of plan time to allow students to be in my room.

I wish people knew that the students affect me more than I probably effect them.

I wish people knew that I am afraid to be forgotten.

People know those things, though. Don't they? They're everywhere.

Maybe, then, I don't wish people knew these things.

I wish people did something about it.

I wish education mattered more than it does.

I wish it was easier to instill those values into people.

So, really, I guess I've been thinking... how do we change?

I don't have any answers, merely inquiry.

Even if I did have the answers, I wouldn't share them. It's the consistent feelings of incompetence that would keep me from even trying.

Hah. Really, though.

I don't know many teachers that have honestly said: "I'm a great teacher."

All teachers, I think, have this feeling of inadequacy. Sure, some have more confidence and bravado. Even so, teachers--at least the good ones--feel defeated more than they feel successful. My years in teaching have taught me that much.

The constant chasing after perfection and the success of an ever-changing body of students will do that.

There's always something more.

There's always something better.

I have a theory: Teachers change teaching.

Yet, this feeling of crippling inadequacy stops us.

How do we change that?

I wish teachers had the capacity, support, and patience to believe in themselves more.

Maybe this is a call to action.

Maybe this is a reflection of nothing.

Maybe this is an exhaustion-induced reaction to my own perceived failings.

Maybe, though, it's something...different?

Regardless, I guess my rant is over.